So You Want To Be A Service Submissive? Tips On Mastering The Art of Service

So you’ve finally met the Domme of your dreams. They’re beautiful, powerful, and they rouse a feeling of devotion in you that you’ve never felt before. You know you want to expand on your dynamic beyond your usual playdates and you’ve been thinking about offering to do service for them. Below are some tips to help guide you into providing the best service you possibly can for your Domme.

But first, let’s talk about what service is and what it’s not.

What is service?

Service is a show of devotion within the broader realm of Dominant/submissive (D/s) dynamics wherein the submissive completes tasks assigned by the Dominant. It differs from play in that service usual doesn’t take place in a “scene” (although service can be incorporated into play and vice versa). This can look like cooking your Dominant meals, cleaning their house or dungeon, organizing their gear, caring for their leather or latex, running errands for them, providing video editing support—really any task that fulfills the Dominant's needs and preferences. Service subs tend to be people whose love language is already “acts of service”. Not only do they best express love or devotion through actions, they often derive a deep sense of personal satisfaction and pleasure from doing a job well, or being “put to good use”. Service, when incorporated successfully into a dynamic, can act as fertile soil in which a beautifully rich and supportive D/s relationship can bloom.

Okay, but what about the horny part of D/s?

While sexual service (pleasuring your Dominant) is a part of some D/s dynamics, I have found that outside of porn, it is rarely the focus. If your idea of service is scrubbing floors naked while your Dominant violates you from behind, you may need to reconsider what you really want. Service is about your Dominant. If your fantasy of service is actually centered around your pleasure, its probably just that: a fantasy.

Tip 1: Know Thyself

Everyone has skills. You are a constellation of decades of knowledge derived from study and personal experience. Before you propose service to your Dominant, consider what you have to offer. Are you a good cook? Can you drive? Are you practiced at domestic tasks such as laundry and cleaning? Maybe you have graphic design skills and your Dominant needs a logo. Maybe they need support managing their calendar or editing their website. Are they renovating a dungeon and need some help with painting or building a new bookshelf? Consider what type of tasks you are already skilled at and what you are willing to do.

Time management is also critical to consider when offering to provide service. How much space on your calendar are you able and willing to devote to this commitment? The premise of spending your days immersed in dynamic can be exciting, but don’t let yourself be overwhelmed by time optimism. There is truly nothing worse than a flakey submissive who keeps bailing because they’ve overloaded their schedule. Only offer what you can commit to. Both you and your Dominant will be far more satisfied in the long run if you can commit to a sustainable schedule. It’s also worth considering whether you’re the type of person that needs weekly flexibility or has to put something on the calendar a month in advance. You may find your Dominant needs a very different type of advanced planning. Be prepared to compromise.

A few examples of how you might choose to structure a service schedule:

-8 hours a week of managing their Only Fans from your home

-Running errands for them every Monday morning

-Deep cleaning their dungeon every Saturday

-Being available to drive them to the airport at a pre-scheduled time

Tip 2: Negotiate

Now that you’ve thought about what you are able to bring to the table….bring it to the table! Schedule a time with your Dominant to sit down and discuss both of your wants and needs and come to an agreement about what you will commit to offering them. I recommend writing down your agreement in a google document so you can both reference it at any time. There will probably be a period of adjustment in the beginning as you test out how this new arrangement feels. It’s okay to tweak your agreement as you go along. Just make sure you’re discussing changes when you’re not actively in a service. Cancelling last minute or showing up to their apartment apartment and announcing you don’t really want cleaning to be a part of your arrangement anymore when they’ve planned for you to clean their bathroom is inconsiderate.

Tip 3: Details Matter

Your Dominant is going to want things done a certain way. Perhaps they are particular about how their laundry is folded or how their dishes are stacked. Maybe there are certain foods they don’t eat. When they tell you how they want something done write it down. If it doesn’t make sense to you, ask them to show you again. Your Dominant should be prepared for a training period. Do your best to absorb as much information as you can about their preferences the first time, so they don’t have to repeat themselves or feel the need to continuously supervise you. If your memory isn’t great or the action is hard to record in words, ask them if you can take a video of them showing you or explaining it. That way, you can work towards becoming as self sufficient as possible.

That being said, you will run into situations where you aren’t sure of their preferences. I can almost guarantee your Dominant would rather you ask a qualifying question rather than make an assumption. Not sure how they take their coffee? Ask them. Can’t find their preferred brand of detergent at the store? Text them and ask which of the available options could work for them. These types of questions show care and attention to detail. If your Domme expects you to be a mind-reader, this is a red flag. Your Dominant should not be belittling you for asking a clarifying question (unless this is part of your negotiated dynamic. If humiliation makes you horny, by all means carry on). If your Domme is pissed because you’ve asked this same question five times, you need to start writing things down.

Tip 4: Be Prepared to Expand Your Skill Set

Once in awhile, your Dominant may request that you assist with something you don’t know how to do like clean their drain or repot their plants. Instead of saying “I don’t know how to do that”, first try to figure it out. It’s 2024 and we have this amazing resource called The Internet. Unless your Dominant is asking you to assist them in heart surgery, chances are there is a dad on Youtube who has a step by step video explaining to you how to do this task. You’ll gain a new skill and you’ll demonstrate to your Dominant your willingness to support them.

Sometimes you may be asked to do something that is truly beyond your limitations. This would be the time to speak up. Don’t agree to help them carry a couch up the stairs if you have a bad back.

Tip 5: Learn to Accept Feedback Gracefully

I have devastating news: You are not perfect. You will make a mistake at some point over the course of your service. When your Dominant has feedback for you, absorb it, thank them for the note, and incorporate it moving forward. Constructive criticism is not an attack, it’s a gift. Learn to frame feedback as an opportunity to better serve your Domme. Providing feedback is an indication that your Domme is equally invested in the continued growth of your dynamic. It shows that they are committed to the long-term success of your dynamic. That being said, most of us were not taught how to give or receive constructive criticism growing up (unless you went to art school—shout out to all my emotionally crippled homies with a BFA). A lot of us have challenging relationships to feedback because we had super critical parents as children and feedback was always negative and associated with a punishment. If you know that receiving feedback can prompt emotional reactivity from you, it’s worth giving your Domme a heads up, so the two of you can strategize on how to emphasize feedback as an act of care. While your emotional response to feedback likely isn’t your fault, it is your responsibility to become aware of and begin to manage your emotional reactions as an adult. If you feel yourself getting defensive or starting to spiral, take a deep breath. Forgive yourself for being human. Just let that feeling be what it is without allowing it to expand into something that overwhelms the moment. There is a difference between your Dominant being empathetic and your Domme having to do emotional labor every time they give you a note, because you start making excuses or dissolve into a puddle of apologies because you folded their socks wrong.

It bears repeating once more: if your Dominant belittles you, berates you, or humiliates you (and this is not a pre-negotiated consensual component of your dynamic) when you mess up, this is a red flag and there may be abusive components to this power exchange.

In Conclusion:

Incorporating service into a D/s dynamic can be a deeply rewarding for both Dommes and subs. Service is an amazing vehicle for taking ritual and protocol out of the confines of the dungeon and bringing it into the domestic realm. It can provide an opportunity for deeper trust and connection. There are a million ways to build service into your unique dynamic and I encourage you to exercise your creativity figuring out a structure that works for both you and your Dominant.  Showing up to service with a positive attitude, an attention to detail, and a willingness to learn will add so much to your Domme’s life and in turn, to yours. I hope this has been a helpful starting place for many of you as you begin your journey into service. Good luck to you all my fellow freaks! Happy servitude!